I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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