I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
