I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
