i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
