Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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