Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
