When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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