the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
