my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
