so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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