If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
