my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
