i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
