do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
