Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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