I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
