Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My liver just broke up with me...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
