thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
