24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
