I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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