I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
