I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
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your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
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all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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