Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
