I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
