Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
