ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
