Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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