You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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