I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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