I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
