Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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