got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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