I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
