So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
