I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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