the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
