I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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