new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
