Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
