Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
