two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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