Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
someone owes me an orgasm
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
