sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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