I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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