my phone needs a breathalizer
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
