He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
