We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
