I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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