pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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