ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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