So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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