if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
