Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
