cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Bring me that man meat
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
