community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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